The Following is Not a Joke

I just had an IM exchange with a good friend of mine about the genesis of this blog. Let's call him Donald.

ME: i came up with a great joke today: http://lastcomic.blogspot.com/
DON: the belmont?
ME: rain man. the belmont was yesterday
DON: ha. i didn't know you had your own page

[He's being very polite and conversational here.]

ME: i put it up yesterday. i realized that I always bog down conversations with half baked stand up routines, so I decided to just sweep it onto the site - then you guys can offer pointers on how to improve the jokes, or ignore them altogether.
DON: good call. i'll look at em all later. i'm groggy

[Also edging toward a polite resolution here.]

ME: you don't even have to bother - it's totally voluntary. the important thing is that I'm already 35% less annoying
DON: hahaha

...crispin?

[At a talk-back with actor/director Crispin Glover, I spouted a circuitous query that got me more insistent the farther I left the actor and others in attendance behind. It was about the prevalence of taboo in a consumer culture, but I kept saying "capitalism" instead. This discombobulation during public or celebrity events has become the standard for something called The Crispin Zone.]

...mailer?

[At author Norman Mailer's book signing at Union Square earlier this year, I told him that The Executioner's Song was "incredible," to which he answered with the octogenarian version of the Jordan Shrug.]

ME: well...topics like capitalism don't fit as well into this format - but I can put that on a more issues-oriented site

and then i'll be home free! voila, no more crispin zone!
DON: amazing...sorry i'm not responding with more than a word...i really am pretty groggy

It's obvious that he's very excited about this blog. I am too, because I have a lot of funny friends that I'm sure will whip me into shape in no time. I'm hoping to be on the SNL writing staff in 18 to 24 months.

Now, onto more jokes!

Drivers

The makers of the movie Rain Man must have really had it in for lousy drivers. They basically say that a guy who needs assisted living, reads phone books all day and can't distinguish between yes and no can still be a "very good driver."

(right?)

You can picture the producer at the top of the meeting:

"Well everybody, I guess we can finally get started, now that Jim and Steve are here. Glad to see they're in one piece." Nyuk yuk yuk.

Then Steve goes to Jim:

"We would have been here on time if we weren't stuck behind that schmo in the Pontiac with the ice cream sandwich. I bet ya even Raymond Babbit could have done a better job than that behind the wheel."

Am I Going Crazy?

So I was watching the Belmont Stakes the other day, and you know where that race is held? In Elmont, New York. The Belmont is in Elmont...

Does anybody else find this strange?

I mean...

The Iditarod isn't run in Ditarod, Alaska...

and the French Open isn't held in Rench Open, Arkansas...

Let yer man go!

The man who plotted to kidnap the young son of Late Show host David Letterman is on the loose. Last Friday, Kelly Frank, 45, fled with another inmate from a ranch operated by the Montana State Prison.

I mean...

who chooses stalker as a vocation and then settles for Letterman? That's a serious lack of motivation. Maybe he's working his way up the ranks. Next year Oprah, then Julia Roberts, then the world!

(do I have a good routine going here?)

If he gets laid off, he has to start from scratch with Brian Austin Green...